Those in the fashion world know it. The hushed, zero-fanfare, IFYKYK-energy of a Balenciaga drop: the blank Instagram page. However, insider info tells us that the grid sweep is neither as strategic nor intentional as one would assume. The Balenciaga drops are actually, an anonymous source tells us, at the mercy of one mysterious hacker’s whims.
We spoke to a social media assistant at the brand, whose name has been replaced with a blank to conceal their identity, about how Balenciaga’s drops became synonymous with a feed-less page. “Coming out of a rave tour of Berlin, I noticed that our Instagram was, well, empty. I didn’t panic at first because it’s happened before. A few months ago, after devastating a bag of THC sour worms and forgetting that it was the brand’s page and not my own, I archived everything in a fit of insecurity. Thankfully, Demna went with it and I didn’t lose my job. I did stop buying from that guy, though. I was so stoned I bought an inflatable life raft.”
However, the second time, ____ notes, was different. None of the brand’s posts were archived and the profile unfollowed everyone. “That’s when I panicked. I honestly thought I was hallucinating—I was coming off of a lot of weird stuff, sure—but I just couldn’t believe it. My team would never permanently delete posts and they would never unfollow Kanye, Demna’s rabbi.” Other than ____, only a few interns, another assistant, a manager, and Demna himself have access to the brand’s social media accounts.
We spoke to one of the interns, who said there was no possible way it could’ve been him. “I wasn’t even really working that day. I was bleaching my eyebrows, applying for other jobs on my personal computer, and touching the mouse pad on my work computer every 3 minutes so it would look like I was online.” Before we could ask anything else, he paused and clarified, “All I do here is delete the porn-bot comments, I'm not, like, some tech-wiz.” His account access, Balenciaga’s IT Team confirmed, was limited to his work laptop. Because Balenciaga’s IT Team is Ruby, a tarot card reader in the Diamond District, they had no immediate way to track the breach when it happened.
“I barely had WiFi," ____ said, "much less access to Ruby, who’s not even on email. Coincidentally, I was spending the weekend with a Belgian programmer who helped me track the person that deleted the posts, but before we could do anything about it, I got a call from Demna.”
Awed by the spontaneous, internet-shattering strategy of his social media team, Demna assumed this account wipe was a ploy meant to set the stage for a drop. He was impressed. “A head’s up would have been nice, but I like being kept on my toes and I like the theatrics of it, you know? The hype!” Demna laughed. “Fortunately, I had a collection I never really finished. So we laid low for a bit, let the buzz generate, and then dropped a bunch of images of Kim wearing old samples. It worked.”
____ has no plans to reveal the hacker’s identity and Demna lives in complete obscurity regarding the subject. “The whole social department’s job security had been on thin ice for a while, but Demna loved the shock of a blank page. Something about how it forced him to commit to whatever half-baked idea he had been sitting on. So, he gave us all raises. Every so often, he’ll call me or other team members and ask for a clue as to when the next wipe will be. Since I’m not in contact with the Balenci-hacker and I swore the whole team to secrecy by way of blackmail, I just say, ‘Oh, Demna, I guess you’ll have to wait and see like the rest of us.’”